February 22nd, 2010
Lori Gottlieb caused a bit of a storm back in 2007 with her article suggesting that women should settle for a man who is ‘good enough’ rather than holding out for Mr Perfect who may never show up. Not content with this she is now publishing a book which she says will back up her ideas.
Whilst I sympathise to a certain extent with her views, I do have problems with some of the statistics she quotes. She claims that “less than half of women over 40 will ever marry.” Conveniently she makes no mention of how many of these women actually want to get married, she simply uses this statistic to scare women into thinking they are a lost cause. Incidentally, The Times, commenting on figures published by the Office for National Statistics for England and Wales, makes a similar error. Proudly proclaiming that women are going to be overwhelmed by offers as there are now more single men than women in every age group except the over 75’s. Again they do not consider how many actually want to get married. The definition of single as “never married, divorced or widowed” is also a problem. How many are in happy, stable long term relationships? The old adage ‘Lies, dammed Lies and Statistics’ springs to mind. Numbers are great when trying to understand trends but you have to be very careful how you use them.
Back to Lori Gottlieb, she puts forward the view that feminism has encouraged women to think that they can have it all – the perfect man, lifestyle, family and career. In some ways she is right about this. There is not really a whole lot wrong with setting yourself high goals and aspirations. However you do need to be able to be flexible whilst trying to attain them.
Remember to give yourself a good pat on the back when you land on the moon even if you were aiming for the stars.
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February 8th, 2010
Apparently, Harriet Harman wants to engineer a new social order with her equality bill. On the face of it this is fine in principle. After all nobody should be discriminated against on the basis of their sex, colour, creed or any other aspect of their person. However, some groups believe that the bill interferes with their freedom. The Pope in particular is up in arms. It seems to me the real problem here is that legislation is not the answer. People just don’t respond to being forced into a corner. In addition there is the problem of unforeseen outcomes.
Recently there has been a lot written in the press about women who are increasingly finding that feminist ideas and legislation are actually holding them back rather than helping them as they were intended to. Feminism was supposed to liberate women and allow them to make all the choices in their lives on their own merits. However they are now finding that sometimes this ideal itself actually has the opposite effect. It is now illegal to ask a women in a job interview if she plans to have a family. Fair enough, but employers know this so don’t ask and women who have no intention of having a family do not get the chance to say so and the employer hires the man as it is less risky for them.
All forms of equality legislation almost by definition have a flip side that encourages positive discrimination. The obvious end-point of positive discrimination is mediocrity and I for one do not want to live in a mediocre world.
What has this got to do with Classical Partners, well, we sometimes meet people with pre-concieved ideas which are getting in their way of finding what they want. These pre-concieved ideas are their prejudices and there is no way we can legislate against them. What we can try and do is educate them to find a better way.
I think it is exactly the same with the proposed equality bill. Learn from the mistakes of feminism and instead of legislating try educating.
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January 19th, 2010
Most of us know this rule. It applies to all sorts of things and is irrefutable in the realm of science. The converse is also true, try putting the north poles of two magnets together. It just can’t be done. Does it apply to human relationships?
Unfortunately humans are not so cut and dried as magnets. It is not easy to categorise them.
People in successful relationships often say “my partner complements me”? When somebody says this do they mean they fill in the bits where I do not have expertise, so opposites do attract, or is it that their lives completely overlap, in other words Birds of a feather!
The important thing is what type of opposites are involved. You can easily see that someone who is happiest getting things done might get on very well with someone who has lots of ideas. In the first instance some common ground is required. In most cases this is likely to be a shared interest. However as a relationship develops, I believe it is beneficial for the people involved to have some differences. This allows them to have their own space within the relationship which is necessary for both partners to grow.
For any relationship to flourish it requires both people to work at it. If you can respect and tolerate – even appreciate – the differences you can use this to build a happy and fulfilling relationship.
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January 6th, 2010
Well, it is the start of a New Year and a New Decade. So, as the snow lies on the ground and causes the usual chaos, many people are considering making a fresh start.
What better way to start than by finding someone to share your life with. There is no doubt that people are social animals. If you pop in to your local supermarket you are constantly reminded of this: there are hordes of buy one get one free offers but very few aimed at just for one. We all feel better if we have someone to confide in. There has been a lot written recently about loneliness and how the phenomenal growth of computer based networks of friends has given the impression that we are more connected than ever before. However, there is nothing like the real thing. You need to be in the same physical place to really interact. It is wonderful that you can chat to a friend on Facebook or Twitter, but it is much more rewarding to meet them face to face.
Bringing people together is what we at Classical Partners are all about. There are places on the web where people who love classical music and the arts can share their thoughts, I do this from time to time, but as I have said before, it is not a patch on going to a concert or film with like-minded people and really sharing the experience.
So if you are reading this and thinking you would like to meet some music lovers… give us a ring and start the ball rolling.
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July 10th, 2009
Once you have decided what you want from a relationship the next step is to do something about it…. But what?
If you are not in a relationship and would like to be you have to confront the first of the big C words. Change. There is another C word that comes later on but we do not need to worry about that now. If you want to find a relationship you have to change something. If you continue with your day to day life exactly as you have for the last x years during which time you did not find someone, chances are you will still not find someone if you simply carry on as before.
Finding your perfect partner is a little bit like the Lottery. If you don’t own a ticket you haven’t got a chance of winning. If you buy a ticket at least you are in the game. So how do you get into the relationship “game”?
Consider changing your daily routine. If you take the bus instead of the usual train home you will meet a different set of people. Instead of watching an old movie on the TV try going to one in a cinema. It is up to you if you decide to engage with the new people you encounter. If you have a hobby that you are enthusiastic about, join a club and share that enthusiasm.
You might consider joining one of the numerous internet dating agencies. These definitely work for some people. But it’s a bit like buying a huge number of tickets for the Lottery; you will have to spend an awful lot of time checking your tickets to see if you have won. I have friends who have met this way, but I’ve also heard from many people that they could not get along with internet dating sites. My personal view is that relationships are personal things and the internet, for all its benefits, is not a personal medium. If you want to buy something or find some information the internet is the place to look. Perhaps that why it was known as the information superhighway? For personal relationships I’m not so sure.
There are also the dating sections of newspapers. Much like the internet, they do work for some people. You will need to give a lot of thought to the advertisement you place: it needs to stand out from the crowd but not make you sound too off the wall. You also need to understand the costs: you will have to pick up your replies by calling a premium rate phone line and the costs can mount up very quickly.
An alternative would be to join an introduction agency, but please do your research, there are some rogues out there. It’s a good idea to make sure any agency you approach is a member of ABIA (Association of British Introduction Agencies), have a look at their website http://www.abia.org.uk/ or give them a ring on 020 8742 0386. They have a listing of members along with the services offered and the costs. Make sure you choose one that is right for you. Obviously there is no point in joining an agency that specialises in an area that is of little interest to you. Another thing to remember is that “traditional” agencies work in a very different way to the internet based ones. From the internet you are likely to receive hundreds of (un-vetted) contacts and it is up to you to go through them. A traditional agency on the other hand will take into consideration all the information you have supplied to them and select someone from their membership who they think you would really like to meet. This is why it is so important for you to know what you want before you start. It is a slower and more focused approach.
I am of course biased, as I run Classical Partners, a traditional agency, but I have tried to offer honest view of the different options you have based on my experience of speaking to and meeting many unattached men and women looking for love. Not surprisingly, there is no single right way to go about finding a relationship. The solution very much depends on you. This is the main thing you have to understand, whichever way you choose to go about it the outcome depends on your actions. So confront the C word: be positive, enjoy yourself and you will make progress. Good luck.
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